Blog: "Talking about our mental health requires us to expose the vulnerabilities that live in the deepest part of ourselves."

Content warning: The following blog post mentions homophobia, adverse childhood experiences, childbirth trauma, anxiety attacks and suicidal thoughts. For sources of support, please see our urgent help page.

Talking about our mental health requires us to expose the vulnerabilities that live in the deepest part of ourselves.

It requires us to take our darkest experiences, thoughts, and moments from the depths and to show them to someone.  

Who is that someone? Can they be trusted with the vulnerability that I am poised to expose? Will they understand the layers of my experience that have led me to a moment of crisis? Will they validate my experiences? What will they do with the information I share about myself?  

If I tell them I am postnatally unwell due to surgical childbirth trauma, arising issues from my adverse childhood experiences, a crisis in my identity, career and purpose, reduced earnings, the judgements of motherhood - will their first question be “Have you thought of harming your baby?” Will I be so impacted by the guilt and shame underlying this question that I disengage? Will I return to my inner world to suffer alone, now with a new layer of shame and judgement? 

When I finally come out to my husband and our families after a lifetime of suppressing my sexuality, will I tell someone that I am struggling? Will I tell someone that I blew up my life to be free? That I have caused precarity for myself and my son? That the homophobia I feared is now here in my life? Will I tell someone when my dad dies and I get divorced in the same week? Will I be asked to wait six weeks for phone counselling with a student psychologist with no experience of what I describe? Will I develop anxiety attacks that paralyse me in the street? Will I be offered a higher dose of antidepressants and propranolol for my racing heart? 

When I reach menopause will I tell someone I have thoughts of suicide? My child is older now. Will they believe I am still a risk to him? Will they understand the process of aging as a woman? Will they understand this significant neurological and physiological process?  Forgetting names and faces, forgetting words, lacking focus, fatigue, insomnia, two hours of sleep a night, mood swings, anger, overwhelming sadness? Will they understand that I cannot do my job, that I fear for my financial security, that I have no safety net? Will they say I am too young for HRT and refuse to provide gender affirming medication for three more years? Will I disappear into myself again, now with new layers of self-doubt? 

But. I find someone. A counsellor that I pay for myself. I reduce my outgoings for essentials to afford her. She is a working-class woman. She has experience in supporting women through the life stages that significantly and uniquely impact us. She has lived childhood adverse experiences, motherhood, menopause, and aging. She has lived experience of living in poverty and precarity. She has experience in supporting LGBTQI+ people. I trust her to carefully hold my vulnerabilities. She understands the complexities of my life. She sees me. She supports me to unpick the layers of experience and the stigma, judgement, shame, and self-doubt. We work together in a therapeutic relationship as I recover.